The clouds roll in

Today I was reminded of how blessed I really am. Some days I'm cranky. Okay, a lot of days I am cranky. I crank at my husband and I crank at the kids. But then I am reminded of what wonderful blessings I have with my wonderful little family when I see what others do not have. My little blessings didn't come to us easily. They both came after years of fertility treatments, IVF, other drugs, acupuncture, many different natural therapies... month after month after month after month. Two miscarriages causing more pain. Yet after all of that I've still managed to grump?!! I did end up with a pretty good case of post-natal depression after my daughter was born and I guess that is what stole my joy. Not a nice time and does depression ever REALLY go away?

But today I was again reminded of just how VERY lucky I am. So very lucky we all are. To have finally succeeded to have FINALLY two, not just one, but TWO gorgeous little babies to cuddle and rock and hold and love with all of my heart. To see them first smile, first crawl, first walk... To hear them call me mummy and to see them make me so very proud at kindy and at school. How could I possibly have taken such a joy for granted?

Today my brother and wife had their fourth miscarriage. Identical twins that weren't ready to make their way fully into this world. They also have had a long, long road to parenthood and unlike myself they are still walking it with empty arms and sad, lonely hearts. I pray for them to finally have their gorgeous little warm bundle of joy to finally take home and love.

What a wonderful place to be right here is

Today was lovely. Special in its ordinariness. Lovely in its little details. Nothing other than another day, but today my heart felt lighter. I caught myself laughing lightly about nothing really and knew that I have come a mile in a very short time. Ahhhh - it's such a lovely feeling to feel light of heart.

Just lovely.

Hot summer daze

And a daze it's been...

Wow, it's been hot of late. And humid. Rains just enough to completely fill the air with moisture but with no relief to the temperature level. Seriously tropical. Sending everyone a little balmy, to be honest, especially seeing as the temp isn't even dropping at night...

Master M is still reacting badly to food chemicals. This morning I let him have a gluten-free muesli bar (which had sultanas in it) and oh boy! All day I have regretted the move. He's now on a full ban for anything with amines, salycilates, colours, flavours, preservatives, gluten, dairy... so that basically leaves pears, potatoes, garlic, gluten-free bread, hommus and meat! Or anything I have baked especially for him. Full on. Seriously full on. The poor kid. He was seriously off-beam in a very bad way and just could NOT help himself being a very naughty boy all day long. Lesson learned. Once I have him levelled out again I'm going to the doc this time to make an appointment with a dietician. Gluten free and dairy free is doable. Amine and salycilate issues on top is just too hard. There are only so many ways you can cook pear!!!

*sigh* Okay so this blog hasn't really gone down the track I have wanted to go today. I guess it's been a difficult day to keep my thoughts in a purely positive direction.

There have been joys today. I just had a meditation session with Miss J. A very enjoyable guided-meditation today (last night we listened to an instrumental disc). I've only just got back into meditation with her (after Master M broke the CD player) and she was HANGING for her meditation tonight. Really hanging for it! I was so pleased with her. She's still at the fidget a lot stage. She has been pretty hyped up lately - it may take her a while to get back into meditating properly. I asked her today if she wants to start doing yoga with me too and she was very keen. Unfortunately we only have once a week when we can do it without Master M around (he'll be at kindy), but that is better than nothing. I really need need NEED to do it again too.

I am seriously at the point when I need to heal this body of mine. I'm doing my best to address any negative thinking and change it to a more positive tone when I become aware of it. I'm doing better. I also need to laugh more and I'm feeling that with my improved thoughts this will slowly improve. I know that I will feel better again once Master M has levelled out again with a basic diet. Today I felt the familiar chest pains that told me I was stressed and focussing on what I shouldn't... all in good time and it will improve, I know. For the moment I'm back to meditating every night, having early (ish) nights, and hopefully can add some yoga to the mix. I've been using Reiki on myself a lot more again too (not that I ever stopped - it's always a part of my day). I have put it out to the universe that I wish to do my second level soon and am hoping to have Ann, my Reiki Master, suggest a time that will suit me. I know the universe can make miracles happen so I'm hoping for one on that score.

So, today was good. Lot's of contrast to show me ever so clearly what it is I actually do want (calm kids! peace! quiet!). I read some more of Sara with Miss J before bed and we had a lovely peaceful end to the day. Master M fell asleep quickly which was very much a relief, considering the state he was in. Oh, and we bought another Siamese fish to replace Joey, who passed on. This one looks just like Joey did AND he has the same shy personality. Miss J has decided to call him Joey too, so that's pretty cool.

And now, I finally have my peace. My darling husband has just passed me a disc he found on his desk (he's tidying, trying to rediscover his desk)and it has beautiful relaxing music on it which I'm now playing in the laptop. Nice! A lovely end to the day.

All's well.

Photos...?

While I wait for the one photo I added to this to upload (I guess Saturday afternoon is NOT a good time to upload photos onto either facebook or blogger...)I'll just say a bit more of what I was going to say in the last post...

I have been consciously been aware of what my emotions have been telling me over the past few days, looking for better feeling thoughts when I'm not feeling happy. I have to say, it's working - I'm feeling much better. Last night I began reading Sara (Esther and Jerry Hicks) book III to Miss J. I enjoyed it so much I'm now half way through it (well, I am, I'll have to go back to chapter 10 tonight when I continue reading with Miss J). I wish I could recall exactly what she said, but today I heard her say something to Pa which was a Law of Attraction teaching and it was so lovely to hear. It's nice to know that it's starting to sink in with her. She is such a lovely spirited girl. If she is able to harvest her strong emotions, creativity and desires in a positive direction she is going to have an awesome life. It's been very interesting for me seeing her grow and expand over the past seven years... I am enjoying the journey.

Later I will post the photos. When it's not so crowded and will upload them.

Animal adventures

Today the kids and I celebrated the end of the holidays by going to Lone Pine Animal sanctuary with my Dad. We started the day nice and early (thank God! The heat was/is amazing today - extremely tropical). We arrived at the sanctuary while the cages were still being cleaned, animals fed and no people apart from keepers to be seen. Nice. We had a lovely stroll through the Australian animals and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. The kids had ice-blocks, photos taken holding a koala, each got a little toy to remember the occasion (Miss J a kookaburra; Master M a platypus), patted kangaroos, goats, sheep, a pig, cow, emu, wallabies.... a very enjoyable day. They've now gone over to play with the neighbourhood kids and tell them about their day.

Joy.

Ahhhhhh. Sitting is GOOD.

Life moves on, rather rapidly...

I'm finding it hard to believe it is the end of the school holidays already. The last six weeks have literally flown by. I guess that happens when you're busy. Unfortunately it means that all of my work has been on hold, but I have managed to organise a lot, so all is good.

Today I spent cleaning out the office and kitchen. I have moved my laptop back into the office and now am feeling ready to hit the new year head on. Hmmm. Not really the saying I was after. Now I'm ready to flow with the new year. Better :-)

It has been a busy time, and now I feel glad to have finally organised things. Miss J is ready for school (well, almost - I've still got a bit of contacting books to do). I've organised a little school desk for her, which thankfully Master M is respecting as her space. She is really getting into reading and writing and she needed a space to do so all of her own this year. This also means I was able to reclaim my desk back, which she'd been 'sharing'. Sharing to the point that I no longer fitted there, but that is changed and it is once again mine. Although, her special box full of crystals, her salt lamp and a kuan yin female buddha is there too, so I'm happy to share when she feels the need for some peace.

One thing I am feeling very blessed for is seeing my husband finally start to ground with all of the organisation that is occuring around him. He really felt the strain of the end of the year/chaos and the poor man has not been himself. Today we had an informal business meeting of sorts and it was such a pleasure to see him dreaming again and SMILING!!!! It seems I have a very sensitive family that is easily put out of balance. Is everyone like that? It is my biggest pleasure to see them all regain that internal balance and begin to flow with life again. So very pleasing.

Life is good.

The week that was

I've had a week full of blessings. The bathroom was finished and the coffee area done enough to be functional for the year, so we decided to go camping after all. Thank goodness we did.

Tuesday we packed the car and the trailer and headed off to the rainforest. Three nights of bliss. Calm, quiet. Warm (hot!) weather, cool nights... Kookaburra's, snakes (pythons - just gorgeous!), spiders, birds aplenty. Just wonderful and so very soothing. The kids loved it. We camped on the most gorgeous creek which gave the kids plenty of time to climb over rocks and splash about happily. I even managed to get some time in for a bit of a read, which was lovely! Our stove 'broke' (it appeared the gas line was blocked) so we 'had' to cook all meals over the open fire and it was wonderful. Delicious. I'm not sure why, but food just seems to taste SO much better when it's cooked outdoors over an open flame. There was a pool at the campground also, so we ended the last two days with a nice bathe and clean off and that was just great after the heat of the day. I'm not sure how hot it did actually get but it felt as if it were about 35 degrees. The rainforest was deliciously cool though and the nights were so delightful they actually required us to wear jumpers and tracksuit pants. Perfect. Just delightful.

Now we are home, the kids are tucked in bed and JB is downstairs readying the van for work tomorrow (yes, we are back to normal!).

Life is good.

The sun is starting to shine ever so faintly

Today was better. Ever so slightly, but better.

Today was more work in the bathroom. AND it's almost finished. Cupboards are in, it's all useable and plumbed. After this I'm about to go and put the stuff back into the cupboards. COOL!!!! Now all that needs doing is the tiling and to silicone around the basin. A fairly easy job that will probably have to wait until Wednesday, for two reasons: the kids are in daycare and tomorrow I'm heading over to my Dad's to take the four foot fishtank. I've given it to him to make some more room around here. I decided that a piano would be a better thing to have where the fishtank currently is, but I've also decided that a piano can wait for a while, so for the time being we're going to be putting a bookshelf in its place. More room for books - YAY!!! I'm hoping it won't look too cluttered in the lounge with a bookshelf there - I'll guess I'll see soon.

So, today Jenn went and played at the neighbours house. Seems that when I sent their kids home with the message that I wasn't happy with them for not paying back the babysitting when I needed it when I've been looking after them so much has paid off. Shame I had to get so cranky to have it happen, but anyway, it did happen, so all is good.

A productive day was rounded off with a good jump on the trampoline with the kids and a nice hot bowl of potato, leek and ham soup. YUM! Now I'm off to put away some washing and my stuff into the bathroom cabinets.

Bon voyage!!

Oh, and I've just added another wildlife shot I took today of a pale-headed rosella. I might add one of the sunset too.

Der. No I won't. They're still on the camera LOL. Tomorrow perhaps!

Plan for more time

Last year was tough. I'll say that now. It was really tough. JB and I have been run off our feet for 3 years now and this year ended up with us both with pretty bad burn out. My long term illness came out of remission this year because of it and well, let's just say that JB has looked better and has certainly smiled more than he's doing these days. We've just taken a month 'off' and it's been two weeks now (I think) and we haven't stopped. Literally haven't sat down other than to eat or read the kids the odd book apart from the two days we were at Dad's for Christmas, and let's face it, that was busy for me as I was cooking and all the things that go with Christmas. Somewhere about mid-year we realised how bad and out of balance things were getting, so we chose to put DS into daycare for three days a week. THREE days. It almost killed me having to do that, but we couldn't cope alone. We unfortunately have no one to help us (apart from about 8 hours a year that Dad looks after them - and then we hear about these 2 - 3 hour stints for months afterwards... he really can't cope with little kids very well), so we do it all on our own, so daycare is the only solution. We *started* to get our lives slowly back into balance after that and then the neighbours got wind of an easy, free babysitter. Started with one child for a bit, then by the end of the year I was babysitting all three of their kids at least once a week, usually more like 5 or more times. Didn't matter if I said no, didn't matter if it was on my days I have the kids in daycare so I can work, didn't matter that JB and I were getting more and more worn out as we had to work later and later into the night (and early morning) just to get the basics done for the business to make up for the slack that we couldn't get done during the day. All the housework, washing, MYOB etc backed up and the bags under our eyes have become deeper, our feet and backs sorer and our moods crankier and crankier. A few days ago I was so exhausted (on our holiday!!) that I was yelling at the kids like a madwoman by 9 am. The neighbours kids were due to come over for babysitting (yes, all three, again) any minute so part of me was so frustrated and angry that I yelled even louder, throwing in a "I'm so bloody tired because I never get any help around here and all I need is some sleep and to sit down for once and the least you could do is clear the table when I ask you to" at the top of my lungs to make sure they heard. Didn't stop her dropping them off anyway. I was so foul though that when she was here I was even yelling at her kids. I'm SO over it. So over not being able to sit down. I have seriously been taken advantage of and both JB and I are quite angry and upset about it.

SO, this year I'm going to put my foot down and say FIRMLY that the kids cannot come over here on my work days. That's it. I need to keep on top of my work around the house so that I can focus on the businesses properly so we can actually make some money and have a bit of time for necessary things like SLEEP. You know something is seriously wrong when you feel bad for sitting down for five minutes. I said to JB the other day, "do you remember that six years ago I used to have time to actually watch tele and I knew all the shows on the lifestyle channel?" Amazing. Now if we watch an hour of tele a week it's been a big week of viewing. It's just ridiculous. Time for a change. Jenn starts back at after school care this week - only one day a week, but that's a start, then on the 27th Jan we're back to three days a week for me to work. Hopefully with a bit of time we'll be able to catch up and I'll be able to get on top of the business and housework.

On a good note, after that big rant I've just had (sorry, I've had no internet all day and I think I needed to get that off my chest), today I did get quite a bit done. I know JP is a bit frustrated with how long the bathroom reno is taking (especially seeing as that wasn't one of the things on the holiday to do list which is a mile long), but it is looking good. I've managed to find the bottom of Mt Foldmore, so hopefully by the end of the week I'll have reached the bottom of the dirty washing baskets too.

I did take a bit of time to take a few photos of some wildlife that appeared in our garden throughout the day. A gorgeous kookaburra eating a lizard on our front porch and a massive swamp dragon who was taking some time out in the back yard. Gorgeous.

Photos

Now I didn't take any photos at Christmas time due to not having a camera. Actually that is NOT true. I had an old one (well, it's Miss J's), but my two both broke in the last six months. One I dropped, and the other just stopped working. THIS I took as a sign from the universe that I should be listening to my longing to learn photography, so I have bought myself a Canon Eos for Christmas with two image stabilising lenses. Oooooh I'm SO excited!! BUT I only got it a few days ago, so no Christmas photos. I have a friend who is a photographer and she has taken some for me, but I haven't received the CD yet with them on... wow - what a great long rambly way of saying I don't have any Christmas photos to post, but I DO have a couple of fun photos that I took the other day with my new camera. LOL. Anyway, here they are!

Bathroom reno number two

... or is it just the first one continuing after a seven year smoko?

Well, what a year this is already! Okay, so now we have new plumbing throughout the house. Due to the increased water pressure a few taps started to leak. No big deal, right, change the washers? Well, the bathroom ones needed new taps, so we went out and bought new ones, no probs. The problem was that sixty years of corrosion meant those taps weren't going ANYWHERE, so the whole sink had to come out to get the taps off. Silicone cut. Still not budging. Push, grunt, hammer - RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. Oops. That didn't sound good. Oh dear, there goes the laminate top off the cabinet. Oh well, time for a change and a whole new cabinet!! Let's face it, the old chipboard cabinet with the lime green bench top (WHICH I might add, I actually loved - am thinking of painting one of the walls in the same lime green now as I'm sure I'm going to miss its cheerful presence!!) had to go. So JB is in there as we speak, hammering away, getting rid of the old and making way for the new. Looks like he'll have to do some tiling tomorrow as well as the plumming and cabinet making. Thank God I married a man who knows how to use his hands. ;-)

A new year has dawned

Well, it's not the first of the year, but the first time I've come up for a breath. What a month it has been.

So, to start where I left off, Matt's birthday. Such a lovely time. He enjoyed every little moment of it. Presents to unwrap, lots of attention, yummy cakes (I made THREE - yep, one for his party, one for his actual birthday and one for kindy - and what divine cakes they were too, I have to say - all from my failsafe cookbook, so guaranteed not to make kids 'bounce' but SO yummy!!)... Matt got a train table for his birthday and he LOVES it. It has been such a hit. Me cutting his food back has corresponded with such a lovely age. He has calmed down, is concentrating well and really enjoying life at the moment. He's sleeping more at night and is altogether a happy, cheery little boy. We had Mandi and her boys and Melanie and her three over for his birthday, played party games and ate lots of failsafe food. It was good.

So, then onto Christmas. I put the presents under the tree this year leading up to Christmas which was a great thing to do. Matt got to distinguish well the difference between his birthday and Christmas (which is nine days later). He kept wanting to open the presents but I said, no, these aren't birthday presents, they're Christmas presents. And leave them he did. I was SO impressed with him!!

Christmas was spent at my Dad's. We piled all of the presents and a bed for the kids to sleep in into the back of the ute and headed off. We arrived to find Dad on the roof, cleaning out the gutters (as you do at 8.30 on Christmas morning!), then once he was down we settled in for Bacon and eggs and champagne for breakie. YUM. Oh we ate well over Christmas. Very well. Ma (aka Evelyn/Dad's ex-wife - don't ask) came over for Christmas lunch, bringing some german salad treats with her (curry rice salad, mushy peas, bean salad, sauerkraut... ) and we settled in for a yummy cold lunch of cold roast chicken, smoked leg ham and salad. Again, yum.

On boxing day my brother arrived with his wife Lorraine. They've just had IVF (which they haven't told my Dad) so I think the break was just what they needed while they were in the dreaded two week wait. They've been doing it for a long time now - years - so they're very aware of the odds. We caught up with my Grandma, Aunt Shirley and Cousin Leanne (who's pregnant, by accident with her third - after an 8 year age gap). That was a lovely day out near Rathdowney somewhere. Anyway, while we were there I asked Lorraine which day she was on - 16 days after the retrieval - and asked if she was spotting at all - and she wasn't - a VERY good sign. She has her beta test done on Tuesday and it was positive, but low. Her Oestrogen and Progesterone levels are high though, which in previous attempts they haven't been, so the nurse told them to be 'cautiously optimistic'. VERY cool! Today is the day of the repeat Beta so I'm hanging out with them (in spirit - they're back in Sydney now) for the results. I think it's about time they had a bub of their own. I feel they're ready now. It's time for a new beginning for them, so I SO hope today's results are good.

We've also spent a lot of time cleaning out under the house and the shed. Both are almost done now, so we will after another bit of work be able to move the coffee stuff underneath the house, instead of in the front where it looks very messy. We'll be able to get the van under the house too. JP would like to dig out a bit more though and pave/brick underneath so it's very neat. That would be good. I am going to be SO excited when we have the money to redo our house completely though. Have I mentioned our 'new' house here yet??? We're now planning to save the money to take this whole house away and build a steel-framed kit home. We've found the home we want and it's unREAL. Big enough for 'our' home upstairs and the business (or potentially in the future a 3 bedroom granny flat to rent out or for the kids) downstairs. But anyway, I digressed. For the moment we just want underneath paved so we can remove them without having to dig up concrete when we eventually renovate/rebuild. We are also going to be putting an office out the back this year which once we have our 'new' house will become either a rumpus room with a pool table etc in it, or an art studio. I'd REALLY love to be able to give Jenna an art studio of her own to be able to grow her talent within. And I can use it too, hopefully :-)

So, yes, tidying under the house and then a couple of days ago the main water pipe into the house burst and we discovered the cause of our poor water pressure over the past 10 years. Our pipes were almost completely blocked by 60 years of corrosion/build up in the pipes. Luckily we've been using a water filter for most of the time we've lived here (and a very good, expensive one at that). Now, due to my husbands Jack of all trades talent, we have all new pipes. JOY!! What a great way to start the new year. I'm seeing an incoming of abundance of water (and water pressure!!) as a very good sign for good things to come. Yes, this has been a good time of clearing out, renewing and refreshing. We've still got a lot to do before JP starts work again on the 17th - a daunting prospect - but we've accomplished a lot for which I'm a happy girl.

So, onto my room today while Master M is in kindy. JB actually cleaned up his shirts the other day and we sent 5 bags to the Salvos, so now I can see my mirror for the first time in about a year!! Now I need to sort through mine again, send a heap more to the Salvos and address Mt Foldmore and find our bedroom again.

Lots to do. Time to go and do it.

Happy New Year!!!