For a while now I've had an issue which I've avoided, thought about, known it was there but never actually really discussed it with anyone. I've been pulling the card 'talk about your feelings' over and over in my readings and to be honest, for a long time I didn't know what it meant. Well, I know I don't talk about the things that REALLY bother me too much, not to avoid them, but because I don't want to focus on things I don't want. Unfortunately the vibes I emit are still there and I think I DO need to talk about them in order to figure out how I can think my way through them in order to be able to stop feeling them and to work toward happier feeling energies.
Okay, after that big mouthful of an introduction, here goes and wish me luck...
*sigh*
Well.
Okay, so my health hasn't been so good for the past eight years... Now, negative vibrations are the precursor to bad health (my belief), so what have I been focussing on and thinking that has led me to this poor state of being?
Let me see.
Eight years ago - stressful career, working 14 hour days, worried, apprehensive, totally out of balance. Also trying for a baby, which WASN'T happening (gee, I wonder why??!!!). Two years of fertility treatments - which my put my body even more out of balance - eventually succeeded, miscarried - more grief and stress... six months later cut the hours back to one day a week from 70 hours, suceeded and kept this baby. Pregnancy was BAD. Mentally - lots of worry, stress, still had the thought patterns of a chronic work-a-holic. I didn't see this at the time, but now that I have a lot more awareness I'm not surprised the pregnancy was bad. After years of wanting a baby I had an image of the 'perfect' baby, and gave birth to a very spirited (i.e. fiesty, cried a LOT - still haven't seen a child as full on as she was seven years later...) baby girl. Sleep deprivation and rose-coloured glasses removed led to post-natal depression. This chronic work-a-holic went back to work when my daughter was 4 weeks old and finally after a year of work I completely broke down in an explosive, horrible way and quit.
Not a bad thing in hind sight.
I had planned on getting another job, but I had gut-wrenching pain at the thought of another job in that highly stressed career.
Insert major illness. Not terminal, just very debilitating. Good news for weight loss and avoiding that career I didn't want but not so good for enjoying life.
This is when my search for a 'miracle cure' began and I entered the world of holistic health. This was my knock on the head that made me wake up and look at myself clearly in the face. This was what I needed.
So here I am six years after this illness began and I still have it, although not nearly as severe anymore, but it IS still there. I also have a second child, a little boy. After a natural conception, a natural, healthy (acupuncture assisted) pregnancy and wonderful birth my little boy was born three years ago. He was happy, he was healthy, he was CALM. Ahhhhh. My little saviour. My daughter continued to be my 'difficult' child and he was my little angel.
Two years later and sibling rivalry kicked in. We've now realised that he suffers majorly from food reactions. He, like myself, is very sensitive to chemicals (both natural - such as amines in bananas, tomatoes etc - and artificial), flavourings, colourings and preservatives. The older he got, the more the load was building up in his body and the more aggressive he became. Eventually life became unbareable as we all were getting horribly abused physically by him. Biting, hitting, kicking, scratching, you get the picture. I was hospitalised once and it's lucky that no one else was. Obviously our angels were watching over.
Now that I've recognised this problem I have reduced his load and he has calmed RIGHT down. Mostly he is a lovely kid. The problem lies only when he eats too much fruit, or accidently gets a bit of something he shouldn't (one bite can send him off for days). My daughter has calmed down really well with age too. It seems that she just didn't adjust to being born into a helpless little body very well. The older she gets the better she gets and the calmer she gets. I really enjoy her company now and considering for a very long time I found it extremely difficult to bond with her - I really tried hard to even like her - now I think she's just great and most days I am SO glad and feel so very blessed to have her.
The major problem now lies with the sibling rivalry. It's not rivalry in the true sense that they're competing for my attention (or anything else) it's more due to old wounds that haven't healed between them, learned from the days when he really was reacting to food. He's learned that if he hits, then he gets a big reaction, which he LOVES. My darling daughter certainly does NOT suffer from being shy, or boring, or flatlined emotionally - oh no! When she's annoyed she lets it RIP in the loudest, most aggressive way. A slight poke or push from my dear son can cause her to turn and yell or hit, which is turn makes him worse, and before I can open my eyes in the morning it is ON. Yelling, screaming, hitting... I have the neighbours ring me quite often asking if I'm okay as it sounds like world war three over here. I am not joking when I say the whole block can hear them.
Even though this has been going on for so long - about a year and a half now - I can't seem to get used to it or let it slide. Every harsh word, every hit, every yell makes my whole body cringe and tense. This fighting goes on each and every day. I'm awoken by it. Saturdays are by far my worst day as JB works all day and I really am not sure HOW I manage to make it through. Some days it's close. Due to my illness I'm not able to drive, so we are housebound and this makes it so very much worse. Every part of my body screams with the pain of the fighting. Some days my chest feels like it's going to explode. After a massive session from them both, my stomach feels so painful that I'm doubled up with the pain for days. I mostly always have a headache and I'm often dazed and dizzy. I try to make my husband understand how bad this is for me, asking for his help. Unfortunately he works long hours, six or seven days a week and I'm on my own with this one.
I know I've manifested this situation through years of bad thinking. I grew up with a parent with bipolar disorder so I learned bad thinking patterns from a young age. Now I am aware of it and am doing my best to change. Mostly I feel I am flexible these days. I had a friend stay for a few weeks recently and he said that he was amazed by how patient I was - he said he would have lost it at them a long time before I did. That DID make me feel a lot better, but I do have a long way to go. Just look at my poor health. It shows I have a long way to go.
Basically, where I am I need to change my thoughts to ones that make me feel better, to reduce this negative emotion I am feeling. I need to reach for some better feeling thoughts to give me some relief. I need to focus on the good things so that I can start to spiral into better feeling thoughts and manifest better health and things more in line with what I want, rather than what I am getting by default due to my negative vibrations.
So the trick is, what do I do when my children fight? I have no out. I have no partner here to help. I have no friends or family even to babysit or help out so I can have some time to calm down or to take a break from it all. I have tried going to the toilet for some time out, but that just ends up with them screaming on the other side of the door at me to open it up. I just can't seem to get any peace!!! I don't have any friends that I see very often either any more. I work from home, so often I go for weeks with barely seeing an adult other than JB. The only friends I really talk to in person or on the phone are usually there because they want to complain about their own lives, not to help support me. With my own problems these one-sided friends are actually adding to my stress, rather than enriching my life. Which if I had support in other places would be perfectly fine, I have NO problem with helping others, I'm just saying that lately I have had VERY little pleasant conversation. I have managed to manifest myself a situation where my true friends are all too busy to talk to or visit me (or have me visit them). I have spent many a time in the last four months crying myself to sleep feeling so very alone. No friends, my family all interstate apart from my very troubled father, husband always working and children always fighting. Even JB is getting cranky and tired and has been quite unpleasant to be around (he is also getting over the children fighting and his own long working hours). Feels altogether like a huge downward spiral.
Night time is my peaceful time. I sit and meditate and journal and try and reverse the days bad vibrations. This is probably the only thing that is keeping things from getting worse, but the thing is I want it to get better!! I want to start manifesting happier, calmer children who get along well with each other! I can't do that if I keep getting worked up and feel such negative emotions each and every time I witness this extreme fighting each and every day...
So what do I do? How can I reach for a find a happier thought right when I am being yelled at or watching this fighting???
This is my task. To find happier thoughts. In the moment when they are happening, so that I can feel positive vibrations, rather than negative ones which are the precursor for more poor health. I know all I need is to have someone to reframe and help me look at the situation in a more positive light. I try and try to see the positive in situations - and I'm so good at seeing the positive for other people - but I just can't seem to do it for myself!
Anyway, that's my whinge. I've finally got it out, spurted out my woes. It sounds like a 'poor me' whinge on paper (screen), but it does hurt. I AM struggling in my every day life. I'm only writing this though as a way of giving myself a clear point of contrast so that I can change it and work toward a happier life.
