In the gaps between the noise

Today as I sat and looked out the window from my desk I suddenly came into awareness that my ears were ringing incredibly loudly.   I chose that moment to listen to the noise, really listen to the noise.    As I did so I realised that my eyes weren't focussing either, but were darting about the place, trying to find somewhere to land... a most bizarre feeling.   As I continued to listen to the noise in my ears I suddenly stepped down to a place where the noise faded... a place that felt like I was near, but not in the noise.    With time my eyes settled their jumping and began to slow and relax.  

How interesting that I (we?) manage to get ourselves into such a tightly wound place, just doing every day things.   Today I have been struggling a bit, I will acknowledge.   Some days I really miss the carefree days of my childhood.   I never needed to worry or plan in advance.   I could enjoy the moment and just 'be'. 

I am aware that as an adult I can also be this carefree... in theory...  But how to get there... that is the question.   

Where DOES the time go?

Time has moved on... quite a lot of life.   Blogging for me used to be my outlet, my way of exploring my thoughts and finding the lessons behind them.   I stopped blogging for quite a while... not sure why, but I think the time has come to start again.   

Looking through some of my old blogs has allowed me to see that while my thoughts are often quite complex and life not altogether easy, my thoughts do lead me in a positive way to more often than not feel better at the end of a post than I was at the beginning.  What a fantastic thing!

So, on that note, let's fill in some gaps.   Life has happened.  Kids have grown (both in school now - and doing well!).   Our business has expanded - we now have two businesses instead of one.  My volunteer work has grown and expanded also.   With all of this growth my stress levels have also grown and this, unfortunately, isn't a good thing.  

My balance has been lost over the past few months and I have been trying desperately to regain it.  I have tried to delegate jobs to others (perhaps I need to 'do' and not 'try?').   This has in the short term created more work as I develop the systems needed, however I am now on the edge of a slight amount of increased space in my day.   Phew!!!!!!

The result, unfortunately, has been that with my increased stress levels has come a relapse in 'my' Meniere's dis-ease.   Bugger.    Vertigo is back (no where near as severe as before though!) and it has unfortunately become bilateral.  Both ears.   My hearing at this stage is reduced in my right ear, but not gone (my left is all but non-functional).   I haven't had a full hearing test at this stage to see if I also have distortion, but I do have reduced hearing in the lower ranges of the normal hearing spectrum.   Bugger.

I have suspected for a while now that my allergies and my illnesses are related to my gut health.    I do, unfortunately, keep getting contaminated with gluten, and that is a bad thing.   I also suspect that grains are a no-go for me.   I know that when I have a no sugar, no grain diet I feel so much better, I lose a considerable amount of weight and my hormones start to stabilise.     I am also hoping... my gut instinct says this is correct... that it will also allow the meniere's to reverse itself.   Improving gut health will have to reduce the amount of inflammation in my body.   I have autoimmune thyroid, coeliac disease, Meniere's disease, roseacea (both cheeks and nose - looks like a dark burn across my face - needless to say I wear make-up every day!) and asthma.   In the past three years I have developed pneumonia three times.   My lymph system is struggling... I keep having the lymph nodes under my armpits swell and redden to the size of large grapes... which is quite a painful condition!    This occurs if I am fighting off a fairly minor head cold.    I also have quite severe hayfever and sinus.    Not good, but not life threatening... and perhaps the wake-up call that is screaming at me to make a change.

So make a change I plan to do.    I am aiming in taking up a paleo lifestyle.   Only fresh meats and plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables.   Cutting preservatives where possible, reducing the chemicals in my food.   Focussing on stress release, meditation, yoga and gentle, natural exercise.    Positive thoughts and a positive life.    Big changes a foot, so wish me luck!   I know that I can do this and now I believe that I must do this.   If it feels good, I want to do it.   If a friendship feels good I wish to persue it.   Focus on the positive and  focus on improvement.   

Watch this space!

And a year has passed...

It's been a while since I've blogged. Some would say I've had a life! In fact I have. Quite a busy and colourful one!

I have discovered a whole different, busy life... I've certainly moved on from where I was this time last year!!! I have different friends, different work (voluntary work)... It has been a great year in some aspects. I have discovered some wonderful people, have many new friends with many common interests. I am feeling fulfilled in so many ways.

In other aspects it has been one of the worst years. Money is very low, we are going backwards in that regard. Even our superfund went into receivership.

And balance, well, I have lost that.

So, with the busy-ness that has lifted my boredom and given me inspiration, comes overload, getting stuck in my head and lots of stress, anger and its repercussions.

I am now striving to regain that balance but it's proving difficult. I'm seriously in need of some blinkers so that I can ignore the bad (and oh, how I've created a lot of that!!!) and visualise what I actually want to replace what I currently am manifesting.

At least I have clarity, so I guess that's a start.

And courage to make change... yes, I have that too. Now I just need to remember to pray for help to help manifest the change that my family and I need to thrive.

A piece I wrote to see which writer is like my writing style ;-)

Life. It's an interesting scenario. Full of life, emotion, colour... and just as you think you've worked it out, it throws you something to show you just how wrong you really are.

Welcome to my world. I guess that line above sounds quite cynical, but in reality I'm far from that. Mostly I find life to be fun. I enjoy it, enjoy the experiences. I'm constantly trying to work it out and in my mind's eye I feel I have. And then the hormones kick in. Hormones - now THOSE I haven't worked out yet.... ahhh to be able to get rid of them all together - now THAT would be nice. I don't think I'd be the only person in my family who'd like for me to get rid of my hormones either!

Mostly I live a life striving for balance. My heart yearns for peace, for solitude, for inner bliss and zen. My mind races on a whole different tangent, sometimes taking me on a busy journey for months before I consciously STOP and go within and again remind myself that busy-ness isn't all there is. I long for daily balance, where my fast, intellectual mental side is balanced well with my spiritual, calm side. I feel these two parts of my persona - my yin and yang as it were - are my strengths. My life purpose is to be able to balance them. Only once I can do this successfully will I be able to fulfill my second life purpose, which is to be able to help others to find their own internal balance.

Deep? Yes, that's me. I like to think and that's often my trouble - I think too much. But it's who I am, so I'm happy.

Clearing the past (and present)

I feel I am quite self aware. Some days I just get stumped by how stuck I can still manage to become.

I have an issue which keeps cropping up time and time again. Even though I am aware of it, I can't seem to figure out how to take the sting out of it for me.

I'm not good enough.

Hurts. A lot. Damn it I AM good enough. I know I am. Bloody amazing, I am. But still not good enough. Never have been, never will be. Made plenty of people very envious of me in the past (and maybe I still do) but still not good enough. Just ask my Dad. Just ask my husband. The in-laws. Maybe to another they'd say I'm good enough, but to me they make a darn good job of making me feel over and over that I'm not good enough. Every time I hear it it cuts through me and I get so darn mad at them (and me) for 'making' me hurt SO much. Oh my! The pain is almost unbarable. Like I've been kicked in the liver. No wonder my poor thing isn't functioning too well because this is seriously bad. I can't hold myself together one bit. Tears flow like they will never end. Minutes, hours... unstoppable. Until I can manage to distract myself with something else enough to 'forget' until next time I'm told again that I'm not good enough.

Not sure what to do to be honest. I've tried talking about my past and how it evolved (from my Dad). I've tried affirmations. Reiki healing (which to be honest is probably the only reason my liver still works). I've tried talking it out with them, saying I AM good enough (darn it!!) but that always ends up in an angry feud (how dare the low one talk back???).

Oh man. Tough one this. I KNOW it's my issue. I know the people around me are merely a reflection of my own inner thoughts. Can't seem to work out why no matter how hard I work and no matter how much loving effort I put in that I can't seem to succeed enough to be good enough.

Life goes on.

Bliss abounds

Seeing the darkness really helps to appreciate the light. The winter months can be a time of relection, sometimes of stagnation, negativity... The sun is so healing, so soothing. I must remember however that there is always a sun within, a light beyond all beauty. Time must be given to silence all thought, to go within, to feel the light, to feel the love and then - oh the bliss, the love - why did I ever let myself leave this beautiful, wonderous place???

Ahhh, because the contrast is also beautiful. It allows me to experience life fully. To know what I want. To know what I don't want and to focus toward the light, toward my wants and my desires. Feel the darkness - know that it is there - and love it anyway. Then face toward the light, loving it more, loving it fully.

Feel the laughter and joy.

Life is good.

Returning to balance

It's been an interesting month. Busy, incredibly busy. I overdid it a little and between the mayhem caused by furniture everywhere from my repaining, the actual paint fumes and fatigue from my new hobby (I've joined the gym again, for the first time in ten years!!) and lots of work, it's been an interesting time. I'm glad to report that I'm getting my head above water again and am reconnecting and again finding balance. I still have quite a bit to do, but I can definitely see the light now and the energy is starting to flow nicely again. Perhaps even nicer than it did before all of this started :-)

The kids room looks wonderful. I am SO happy with it (as are they!). The lounge looks great, as does the bathroom. The new (temporary) office looks amazing,even though there is still a lot of sorting to do in there. With its new white paint it has brought in an amazing amount of light and spirit to the room, and I think to JB and the business too. When all of the 'bits' finally have homes, planners on the walls etc it will really be a job worth doing.

So, I haven't done my last counselling prac yet - mainly due to not being able to get all the people coordinated who need to assist me with it - but all in good time. I need to keep my balance and I'm happy to go with the flow right now seeing as I already have so much to do around here anyway. I have bought myself a new diary (one page for each day) and it has already helped me to achieve so much more than I would have before. Fantastic.

So busy, but good. Happy to report I am going in the right direction :-)