Clearing the past (and present)
I feel I am quite self aware. Some days I just get stumped by how stuck I can still manage to become.
I have an issue which keeps cropping up time and time again. Even though I am aware of it, I can't seem to figure out how to take the sting out of it for me.
I'm not good enough.
Hurts. A lot. Damn it I AM good enough. I know I am. Bloody amazing, I am. But still not good enough. Never have been, never will be. Made plenty of people very envious of me in the past (and maybe I still do) but still not good enough. Just ask my Dad. Just ask my husband. The in-laws. Maybe to another they'd say I'm good enough, but to me they make a darn good job of making me feel over and over that I'm not good enough. Every time I hear it it cuts through me and I get so darn mad at them (and me) for 'making' me hurt SO much. Oh my! The pain is almost unbarable. Like I've been kicked in the liver. No wonder my poor thing isn't functioning too well because this is seriously bad. I can't hold myself together one bit. Tears flow like they will never end. Minutes, hours... unstoppable. Until I can manage to distract myself with something else enough to 'forget' until next time I'm told again that I'm not good enough.
Not sure what to do to be honest. I've tried talking about my past and how it evolved (from my Dad). I've tried affirmations. Reiki healing (which to be honest is probably the only reason my liver still works). I've tried talking it out with them, saying I AM good enough (darn it!!) but that always ends up in an angry feud (how dare the low one talk back???).
Oh man. Tough one this. I KNOW it's my issue. I know the people around me are merely a reflection of my own inner thoughts. Can't seem to work out why no matter how hard I work and no matter how much loving effort I put in that I can't seem to succeed enough to be good enough.
Life goes on.
posted by Pale Pink Aura @ 7:05 PM
7 Comments
7 Comments:
I may not have solved the puzzle, but to end the night I have just rewatched The Secret and now I'm feeling better. :-)
sorry if I ask you, don't undarstand what do you mean with, good enough? do you mean perfect? what is perferction? who is perfect? are they good enough to judge you?
Alessandra - that is my dilemna too. I wonder what I would need to be good enough. I know as a kid I would be chastised for getting one mark wrong in an exam. I now know that is ridiculous, but can't seem to get rid of that voice that says 'not good enough' and blames myself whenever there is a shortage of money, or there is too much to do etc. I know it's silly, but it's an issue that I clearly need to shake.
Just an update... perhaps there really is no issue... seems last night was a bad case of PMS. Cycle arrived today and all's good with the world again ;-)
ok, Deb, I understand you because this one is..was one of my issues too, but as you write, it is just an inner thought, when you are aware of this, just stop to do it, ;D
maybe you can try an exercise, visualize yourself when you were a kid, doing wrong at the exam, the adult you, can tell to the kid that everything's all right, it's important only to do our best, hug and reassure that although she is not good enough for people she is good enough for you, something like this....
I'm glad you're better now.
Thanks Alessandra :-)
Hope it will work ;-)
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