Clearing the past (and present)

I feel I am quite self aware. Some days I just get stumped by how stuck I can still manage to become.

I have an issue which keeps cropping up time and time again. Even though I am aware of it, I can't seem to figure out how to take the sting out of it for me.

I'm not good enough.

Hurts. A lot. Damn it I AM good enough. I know I am. Bloody amazing, I am. But still not good enough. Never have been, never will be. Made plenty of people very envious of me in the past (and maybe I still do) but still not good enough. Just ask my Dad. Just ask my husband. The in-laws. Maybe to another they'd say I'm good enough, but to me they make a darn good job of making me feel over and over that I'm not good enough. Every time I hear it it cuts through me and I get so darn mad at them (and me) for 'making' me hurt SO much. Oh my! The pain is almost unbarable. Like I've been kicked in the liver. No wonder my poor thing isn't functioning too well because this is seriously bad. I can't hold myself together one bit. Tears flow like they will never end. Minutes, hours... unstoppable. Until I can manage to distract myself with something else enough to 'forget' until next time I'm told again that I'm not good enough.

Not sure what to do to be honest. I've tried talking about my past and how it evolved (from my Dad). I've tried affirmations. Reiki healing (which to be honest is probably the only reason my liver still works). I've tried talking it out with them, saying I AM good enough (darn it!!) but that always ends up in an angry feud (how dare the low one talk back???).

Oh man. Tough one this. I KNOW it's my issue. I know the people around me are merely a reflection of my own inner thoughts. Can't seem to work out why no matter how hard I work and no matter how much loving effort I put in that I can't seem to succeed enough to be good enough.

Life goes on.

Bliss abounds

Seeing the darkness really helps to appreciate the light. The winter months can be a time of relection, sometimes of stagnation, negativity... The sun is so healing, so soothing. I must remember however that there is always a sun within, a light beyond all beauty. Time must be given to silence all thought, to go within, to feel the light, to feel the love and then - oh the bliss, the love - why did I ever let myself leave this beautiful, wonderous place???

Ahhh, because the contrast is also beautiful. It allows me to experience life fully. To know what I want. To know what I don't want and to focus toward the light, toward my wants and my desires. Feel the darkness - know that it is there - and love it anyway. Then face toward the light, loving it more, loving it fully.

Feel the laughter and joy.

Life is good.