Photos

Here are my babies this morning. Miss J was all dressed up for 'pink' day at school (to raise money for breast cancer research) and Master M - well he was doing what he loves best. I also needed to add a lovely picture I took of the things I found at the bottom of J's school bag this morning. Girls are just so gorgeous with the things they find pretty. I had to take a photo of it and am looking forward to finding out the contrast between this photo and what I find at the bottom of M's bag when he starts school LOL.

Boys will be boys

When I had my daugher she was pretty intense. It was obvious within the first hour of her birth that she was NOT going to be a calm little miss. Actually, it was obvious from about 20 weeks of gestation from the huge amount of movement and kicking she made. She annoyed the midwives who asked me to take her away, she scared off people and became known as people's contraceptive. The latter comment was funny at first (because it was very true) but did get a little (?) annoying when people kept labelling her, especially when it turned out just to be a huge reaction to being little and unable to do things with that body of hers. The older she has become, the happier and calmer she has become. Even now she can be QUITE intense, but only really when she is feeling frustrated by limits that have been placed on her either by us or by her own inabilities (which are mostly just due to her age). Mostly these days she is a gorgeous little girl. Sweet, loving, very helpful and kind to others, loves the 'girly' things - dolls, painting, craft, flowers, 'pretty' things...

Then along came M. Now as much as J embodies a 'typical' girl (if there ever is such a thing), M embodies a typical bloke. You know the guy off the Hahn premium light ad on tele who jumps into the spa from above, shoots the girl who was in there out of it and puts a tidal wave of water everywhere, cracks open a beer, skulls it, then looks up and says 'What?' Yeah, that is the picture. Okay, so he doesn't drink beer yet and I am HOPING that with time he is going to develop some more of his feminine side, but at the moment, he could be in that ad (with the kids version - maybe cracking open a nice carton of Golden Circle fruit juice). I thought having a girl was a hard thing to do. Well now I think that boys are the hardest!!! Man.

Take today. So far he has started the day by beating up his sister, starting her screaming and getting me up at the crack of dawn. He has smashed the dogs food bowl, which I hand-made on a pottery wheel eight years ago. It had her name on it and I was SO proud of my achievement with that bowl. Smashed.

He has dug up more of the back grass. He has dragged a chair to get to a door latch for under the house to get more toys out that were packed away, leaving a trail of 'evidence' in his wake. He has tipped all of the toys out of his toy boxes. He is black, covered in dirt and mud and is nude after doing a tree wee. He has spilt milk throughout the whole of the house when he decided he wanted to eat cereal out on the front lawn. After spilling all the milk and getting his hands sticky he decided he wanted to wash his hands, got distracted by the house painting trestles down the side of the house on the way to the tap and decided that sticky hands were okay and he'd climb them instead. He has since decided he does NOT want to eat the cereal. He has dug up all my new marigold seedlings in the veggie garden. And it's just turned ten am. *sigh* Have I made my point?? The boy learned to climb a five foot fence at 18 months, climb over a verandah railing at 12 months and climb onto every table and bench in the house at about 11 months. Oh the joys. He certainly has been a learning curve for me.

On the positive side, I am now fitter than I have been since I was a kid. I'm under 50kgs and can walk rapidly up a mountain without getting even slightly puffed. J has learned and is constantly learning to chill and not be so 'precious'. I am also learning this lesson, especially about material items (as he keeps breaking things and I realise that life does go on without them). I get the BEST cuddles from him and I especially love it when he says 'Mummy I love you' as he is getting a cuddle. He makes me laugh with his vibrant character, his zest for life. He makes me look at the world differently. Everything is exciting. Everything is a new, wonderful experience waiting to be lived. Water fights in the bath may soak the entire bathroom but they're also a lot of fun too. Messes can be cleaned up, but so many full experiences are truly priceless.

Would I trade having a boy for anything? Not on your life.

Friend's are good :-)

Today I had the pleasure of having my very good Mandi and her three boys come and visit. It was especially cool as this morning I didn't think I would be doing anything! The weather was absolutely DIVINE - it seriously couldn't have been better - warm, slight breeze - perfect Queensland weather that reminds me again why I live in such a beautiful part of the world. The kids had a fantastic time and us *big kids* did too. It's only been a week and a couple of days since I last saw Mandi in person, and it almost felt 'naughty' to be seeing her again so soon - why is that?!! We used to get together all of the time - often weekly - before a medical condition of mine reared its head and stopped me being able to drive. THAT SUCKS. Okay I can say that now. It sucks, because we have so much fun together and the kids just love it.

Mandi did a fabulous reading for me today on her latest tarot card pack - the dragonfae oracles. They're great cards. Hmmm - I wonder if I can remember what they said? One of the problems I have is that during the reading it often makes wonderful sense, then later I completely forget it. Just like my dreams.

It said that I am in a point of uncovering my true self, going on a new journey of self-discovery where I no longer accept denial or hiding my true self (which I am - HUGE changes have been afoot for me in the last few months as I have mentally been getting around finishing my counselling course and am looking at further study in Gestalt while I start doing some counselling). I need to be around water - drink lots of pure water and cleanse in water regularly (even the bath will do, although I made the point that I would LOVE to get my spa sooner rather than later...). Hmm - what else? I got the courage card - the courage dragonfae is with me at this time, giving me the courage to make these changes and to be the real me. Man there were six cards in total - Mandi do you remember any valid points I'm forgetting?

Anyway, it's been a day of blessings. My little girl is currently at movie night at Scouts and my little boy is sleeping soundly after his huge day. I made the yummiest Indonesian fried rice for dinner so now I'm all snug and warm and happy, ready to read some more of my book.

Life is good.

Warmth is coming - bring on the barbie's!!!

Well today was another great day. I *finally* got that slightly overdue assignment done - all done and posted. AND I did it by taking that hand down and staying home, NOT helping at school, realising that I just HAD to get that assignment done. And I survived. Although I did still put my hand up for more things at school, but that's okay, because I have time for those, so it's all good.

Tonight I pulled the cover off the BBQ and christened it for another warm season. I made a marinade from Jamie at Home and OH - it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good!!! I made a BBQ sauce, so fresh and yummy and we can eat it (most BBQ sauces have gluten in them so we can't eat them). Oh I don't know why food tastes so GOOD cooked on a barbie, but it does, so bring on summer!!! The kids ate up really well which made for a very happy mummy :-) We watched the bats fly overhead and Mrs Possum with her baby on her back emerge from her home in our Leopard tree and climb over head of us, checking us out.

Oh and while I was studying today I heard a rustle in the garden and saw a pair of MASSIVE swamp dragons (aka 'cheeky's' as our neighbour calls them LOL) run across our back deck. I had to race out with the video camera. We have stacks of wildlife around here but I'm still constantly amazed and awed by it each and every day. I do think I'll definitely need to get back into wildlife rescue one day. At this stage I'll just keep my peace with providing a natural home for them to live in and visit.

Another busy (but fun) day is done

Yesterday turned out to be a great day. I must admit I had to consciously grit my teeth in the morning, going with faith that it was going to be a good one LOL. And it was.

We walked to an all day Scout day (the kids and I) where JB was doing the coffee. There are some great people in J's Scout group and it was good to chat to them. It's also very nice to see how much they really like our kids. I feel it's a very supportive environment when you feel loved and we do, so it suits us. Darling M was being a bit naughty at one stage and one of the leaders, who is ordinarily quite stern and grumpy, said 'oh our little M wouldn't do that! He's such a good little boy'. Said with a laughing smile, which was nice. It's easier to get through the 'difficult' moments in parenting when you're supported emotionally by other adults who can help you see the funny side of it.

So all in all a good day was had. Although JB had to work, it was nice that we could be there too and even I got to make a few latte's, so that was nice too. In the evening the neighbours kids were over as soon as we got home, playing happily with ours in the backyard and on the trampoline. It really makes my heart and senses soar to hear the children laughing and having fun playing together with one another. JB and I wish to get a backyard spa at one stage and I said to him last night 'we HAVE to get that spa, so the kids will want to keep coming over here'. We've built a hidden courtyard out in the back yard that you can only glimpse through the trees - the secret garden. This is where we plan on putting the spa. This will be perfect with teenagers as they'll feel they have their privacy, yet we'll know exactly what is going on (more or less) because you know how loudly you have to talk over the spa jets without realising it!!! It's so nice having your kids bring their friends over to your house - they're here and we enjoy them as well as it being good as we know what is going on in their lives and are here to help if they need it.

We had a yummy dinner eaten out in the back yard last night. It is still quite cool at night, but it was a good 'taste' of the summer to come. It's SO nice to be able to enjoy the warm, natural atmosphere of the backyard while sharing a meal together.

A new day

Well today was going to be JB's only day off in a while, but he's got a last minute gig, so it's a no-goer. It IS however a fun day for Scouts, so it should be a good one for us all anyway. J is already decked out in her uniform ready to go. She is VERY excited!

Over the past months I've been slowly getting the house organised so that I can manage to keep it neat and tidy with this hectic life of mine. I've succeeded in getting all of the house apart from our bedroom and the office done. The office is okay, it can only really be done properly when we build the 'new' office out the back. It's just plainly outgrown itself and needs a far bigger room. That'll be the time that the kids move into where the office is now, and the kids current bedroom will become my counselling (and Reiki) room. Oh I can't wait for THAT one!!

Anyway, in the mean time I still need to organise our room. Little by little. I thought I'd post some pictures of how it currently looks to show that the only way to go is up on that one. This is a very good photo illustration of how busy we've been. The rest of the house is generally fine for visitors but this door, as you'll soon understand, stays shut. Which is NOT good for the energy flow in the room, so if anything it's just been getting worse and worse with piles of clean washing that needs to be put away taking over the room completely (Mt Foldmore LOL - thanks for that name Mandi, it almost feels controllable to me with such a funny name!!).

Anyway, so here is my starting point...

I just had to share this cute image of my little boy enjoying his hot chocolate this morning amongst the milk crates and coffee boxes...

Does the screaming ever really stop?

Screaming.

Yelling.

My head throbbing, the sound vibrating through my head. All senses jarred. Haziness. Pain. Dizziness. Pressure in my chest. My mind wanting to scream, but knowing it's futile. Help me anyone?

Please go to sleep. Please sleep.

Quiet, then calling out. Better than the screaming. So much better.

Where has the peace gone??

Oh. Balance has gone. I want to cry. I want to run. No one to help. All alone and being screamed at. Again. Still.

Would I have had children if I knew this were the way it would be before I began? I wonder that every now and again and I can't answer. I do know it would be different if I had help. A husband who didn't work 6 or 7 days a week. Grandparents, siblings, SOMEONE who could babysit for less than $10 an hour (oh doesn't THAT add up quickly!). It's tough. It's hard. The exhaustion and fatigue of all the extra physical activity involved... I can handle that. But the screaming, the yelling, the defiance, the anger - oh it pains me in a way I've never been pained before. I can handle it for a while. Even an hour or so. Sometimes.

Oh please go to sleep. Okay, now we have a crazy kind of singing replacing the screams. Better. Banging and kicking the door - not so good, even if it is to keep time with the nursery rhyme. Oh how I wish hubby was home.

"mummy...."
"mummy..."
"mummy..."
"mummy..."
"mummy..."
"mummy... I want kisses"

*sigh* - the call that really pulls on those heart strings. Be right back.

Okay, now it's sounding more promising. Now to calm my body so that it doesn't feel like I've had my heart wrenched out and jumped up and down on like it's a trampoline. How the heck do I do that???

Okay, happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

Hmmm. Flowers. Birds in the trees. Sleeping children - ahh now there's a good one. A nice warm, hearty meal. A glass of nice red wine. Mmmm.

Okay, so other than that, today was a pretty good day. Friday's are my study day. I have an assignment due tomorrow which I haven't finished. My first deadline that I've failed to meet. I ended up babysitting a friend's little girl today as she was called in to work at the last minute (I told you I have a severe case of stick-your-hand-up-itis - now I have the awareness of it - how do I fix it?? It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to say no when someone is in need, even though I have a thousand things I desperately need to be doing, like getting assignments done).

Anyway, I digress.

Oh I'm really struggling to get my energy back after that good energy sucking I just received. I really need to work on NOT allowing myself to be so thoroughly sucked of energy by my kids. How do I do that?? Well, if I had some more support from my husband that might help. Now I'm not at ALL blaming my husband here - he's never here because he's working, running our business. No, together we need to get the business going a bit better so that we can have some employees do some of his job and buy some of his (OUR) time back. Time is ever so precious. And what is time anyway? Such a cr*p concept that we let rule our lives really. Is there really any such thing as time or is there really just this, now, this... endless life experience. Okay, take the screaming as an example. That seemed endless. Like I had been screamed at for days. Years... and of course I wasn't. How long was it? I don't know, I didn't look at a CLOCK to measure the time. Now I have this moment in time to myself, and am choosing to spend it here, typing out my thoughts... feels like I have all the time in the world. And do I? Well I do right now. I feel the limits when the present time is interrupted, but is it interrupted, or merely moving onto a new event in the same unlimited time sequence? Each moment in time is happening now. Different experiences, all in the same time. Now. Because this here, right now, is all there is. It's just what happens here that changes.

It HAS been a long day.

Wow - today was a doozy

Well it's the end of the day and I am STUFFED. What a day!!! To be honest I think I had a bit of a carry over from yesterday. I managed to allow myself to get upset over someone yesterday and I took it to bed with me. This morning all h*ll broke loose in the form of a little reflective boy who was NOT a happy chappy. Tears and tantrums and cries of 'I'm feeling yukky mummy' was pretty much just what I was feeling and wanted to say and do! Except the purposely peeing in the hallway bit that he did because he was cranky at me. Can't say I actually felt like doing that one (maybe because it would be totally pointless because no one else other than me would be cleaning it up!!) Finally around lunch time I managed to haul out the incense and a good cup of green tea and things immediately calmed down to a more bareable level. Thank God, because my heart chakra wasn't going to handle too much more of that!

Anyway, I've managed to make it through the rest of the day and the kids have just been tucked up for the second (and hopefully last) time, hopefully heading off into dreamland.

Ahh - the peace...

I really love my evenings. Gee I love my kids, but I love them so much more when I get a bit of me time.

Before I tuck myself up with my book I'll just pull some cards to get some spiritual guidance after a day like today. Okay, I have chosen some cards from Healing with the Angels (hmm - yes, healing, such a wise idea...)

• Surrender and release - okay, let go of my control, allow my faith in God and the angels to flow.

• Freedom - allow the angels to guide me to freely express my feelings and thoughts with love. Now isn't that an appropriate card on a day that I've just started blogging!!

• Support - God, angels and ascended masters are with me, helping to guide me - I am not alone. Ahh. So I should have asked THEM for help today. Actually, I did, when I lit the incense. And it worked. Thank you.

• Miracles - begin to notice the miracles that are occuring around me now - and they'll begin to happen even more. Visualise angels healing any problems I have and bringing a miracle solution. Expect a miracle. What a cool card!!! Okay, one miracle - no, lot's of miracles - coming up!!

Ahhh. There have been blessings today. I just had a bath with my little boy and the joy that he was emitting was a blessing. I've not noticed his gorgeous little dimple for a while now and it was popping in and out as he was cheekily jumping into the water from the side of the bath and making the water pour over the sides. I even succombed to a little water fight and he thought that was THE best thing. There is nothing cuter than a toddler's giggles. Time spent in my glorious garden today was a blessing. The spring flowers bring joy to my heart. It's so nice to spend time outside, even doing simple tasks like sweeping and watering. I have hundreds of baby lettuces that are ready to plant out into the veggie garden. Today there was a rainbow lorikeet in the parrot bush, twittering down to Master 2 and I, staring down at us. Gorgeous. The grass is growing, the warmth is returning (well, today started off freezing but it was glorious and warm in the sun). Yes, blessings do abound and for those I am grateful.

Philosophies

My quest in life is to be the real me. I believe that positive change occurs when I become who I really am, not when I try to become what I'm not. Self awareness is of the utmost importance to me. I want to know who I am. I want to engage in life fully, in the unique way that is me.

Here is a lovely paragraph that is taken from a book I'm currently reading on Gestalt therapy:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self

To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return

To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they
cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love or live
Chained by their attitudes, they are a slave
They have forfeited their freedom
Only a person who risks is free

Genesis

Well, this isn't EXACTLY the beginning - not the beginning of my real story anyway. It is, however the beginning of my blog. My name is Deb and this is my story. I'm married with two gorgeous little kids, Miss 6 and Master 2. They well and truly keep me on my toes. My life is VERY full, owing to the fact that I have a pretty good case of I-can't-say-no-itis. I'm a mother, a house-wife, a business partner (we're in the coffee business), I am studying full time to be a counsellor (as in therapy, not politics)... but above all, I'm on the wonderful journey of discovery that is life. I enjoy my life. Mostly. Some days I know where I'm going and feel confident I'll get there. Other days it's all too chaotic and overwhelming such that I don't know how I could possibly cope with it for another minute. All pretty 'normal' I guess in a 'what the heck IS normal?!!!' kinda way.