Does the screaming ever really stop?

Screaming.

Yelling.

My head throbbing, the sound vibrating through my head. All senses jarred. Haziness. Pain. Dizziness. Pressure in my chest. My mind wanting to scream, but knowing it's futile. Help me anyone?

Please go to sleep. Please sleep.

Quiet, then calling out. Better than the screaming. So much better.

Where has the peace gone??

Oh. Balance has gone. I want to cry. I want to run. No one to help. All alone and being screamed at. Again. Still.

Would I have had children if I knew this were the way it would be before I began? I wonder that every now and again and I can't answer. I do know it would be different if I had help. A husband who didn't work 6 or 7 days a week. Grandparents, siblings, SOMEONE who could babysit for less than $10 an hour (oh doesn't THAT add up quickly!). It's tough. It's hard. The exhaustion and fatigue of all the extra physical activity involved... I can handle that. But the screaming, the yelling, the defiance, the anger - oh it pains me in a way I've never been pained before. I can handle it for a while. Even an hour or so. Sometimes.

Oh please go to sleep. Okay, now we have a crazy kind of singing replacing the screams. Better. Banging and kicking the door - not so good, even if it is to keep time with the nursery rhyme. Oh how I wish hubby was home.

"mummy...."
"mummy..."
"mummy..."
"mummy..."
"mummy..."
"mummy... I want kisses"

*sigh* - the call that really pulls on those heart strings. Be right back.

Okay, now it's sounding more promising. Now to calm my body so that it doesn't feel like I've had my heart wrenched out and jumped up and down on like it's a trampoline. How the heck do I do that???

Okay, happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

Hmmm. Flowers. Birds in the trees. Sleeping children - ahh now there's a good one. A nice warm, hearty meal. A glass of nice red wine. Mmmm.

Okay, so other than that, today was a pretty good day. Friday's are my study day. I have an assignment due tomorrow which I haven't finished. My first deadline that I've failed to meet. I ended up babysitting a friend's little girl today as she was called in to work at the last minute (I told you I have a severe case of stick-your-hand-up-itis - now I have the awareness of it - how do I fix it?? It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to say no when someone is in need, even though I have a thousand things I desperately need to be doing, like getting assignments done).

Anyway, I digress.

Oh I'm really struggling to get my energy back after that good energy sucking I just received. I really need to work on NOT allowing myself to be so thoroughly sucked of energy by my kids. How do I do that?? Well, if I had some more support from my husband that might help. Now I'm not at ALL blaming my husband here - he's never here because he's working, running our business. No, together we need to get the business going a bit better so that we can have some employees do some of his job and buy some of his (OUR) time back. Time is ever so precious. And what is time anyway? Such a cr*p concept that we let rule our lives really. Is there really any such thing as time or is there really just this, now, this... endless life experience. Okay, take the screaming as an example. That seemed endless. Like I had been screamed at for days. Years... and of course I wasn't. How long was it? I don't know, I didn't look at a CLOCK to measure the time. Now I have this moment in time to myself, and am choosing to spend it here, typing out my thoughts... feels like I have all the time in the world. And do I? Well I do right now. I feel the limits when the present time is interrupted, but is it interrupted, or merely moving onto a new event in the same unlimited time sequence? Each moment in time is happening now. Different experiences, all in the same time. Now. Because this here, right now, is all there is. It's just what happens here that changes.

It HAS been a long day.