Shaken, not stirred

Some weeks are easy. Others not so.

I've had a hormonal week. Well, it was only three days, but it's taken me the rest of the week to recover so that I can finally get back here to post.

Phew! Hormones. I live for the day when I can finally say I have them balanced. It's been an on-going saga for me, over the past 20 years or so... can I expect it'll ever be any different? I hope so. It CAN'T be normal to have days when for no reason other than you're about to get your 'monthly' cycle that your world suddenly turns upside down, and all of a sudden the sun is turned off and an enormous, dark hole swallows you up, playing horrible screachy music as it does so. Seconds feel like hours. A day feels like lost years, imprisoned, trapped...

And then this month I spotted and nothing came. Why? Who knows. Can't say that's the first time that's happened and it's certainly not for such a joyous reason as new life has been conceived. Nope, just good ol' fashioned hormone imbalance *sigh*.

I have a kinesiology appointment next Tuesday. It'll be interesting to see what that brings.

Anyway, I'm all good now.

During 'the time' my good friend gave me a reading. I'll post it now so I can reassess it now that I'm a bit more aware.

Nope I can't post it as it won't accept the HTML and seeing as I haven't as yet learned how to use the stuff you'll just have to miss that part of my post. Anyway, it was a very good reading.

I have certainly been seeing life from all dimensions this week. High highs. Low lows. All good (in hindsight). Always changing.

One thing I've been facing lately has been the issue of trust. Trusting myself. Trusting others (have I mentioned that already?). I usually feel confident that what I see and feel is what is going on. I'm not so trusting of that at the moment. I've had to let some things go into the 'don't know' basket. Also letting pain and emotions go that I've picked up from others. I've been incredibly sensitive on and off this week. Feeling others pain for hours afterward, even after only a fleeting glimpse of it. I had three different instances today where I held on to the tension of others, even though I was fully aware of doing so. I acknowledged that it wasn't mine, yet here it still stayed. I need to learn how to 'let go' fully. Especially if I'm going to be able to doing counselling for any length of time. I can't be holding onto what isn't mine. What to do?

What else has occured in this crazy week?

My kids have been interesting (little mirrors).

My husband and I went on a date. Wonderful, gorgeous night. Fine food. Gorgeous environment. A blessed day.

I had a dream that I was a lesbian. Interesting one. I was quite amused in the morning by just how much I enjoyed it ;-) Dreaming you are a lesbian when you aren't one in the outside world symbolises a union with a previously lost part of yourself. A symbol of self-love, self-acceptance and passion. Showing comfort with sexuality and femininity.

I was pretty happy with that. Interesting that it was followed by my cycle stopping before it had had a chance to really start. I wonder if there was a link between the dream and my cycle?

Crazy thoughts, crazy dreams.

I think I need to meditate again. I've lost my nightly habit and I'm starting to feel disjointed. Edgy. Not quite *myself*.

And the most important thing to me is finding my true self so that I can fully be me.